McMurphy's Tavern0230 ZULUI walk into McMurphy's, the place of so many of my revelations, and look around. Harm is not with me, I am alone in this. He had to pick up Mattie and thought that it would be better if I conquered this alone. He told me to figure things out and then come to him when I've decided what's important to me. I love Harm so much, he's been there for me for ten years, through every heartbreak and every downfall. But Fox, Fox was the first man I truly fell in love with. He was the one who forced me to dry out and the first man to love me for every part of me. We had fallen in love so fast and he proposed a month after he met me, it took Harm ten years. I love them both and now, how am I to decide?I finally see Fox and Dana sitting in a both at the end of the bar. Taking a deep breath, I folded my hands in front of my stomach, and made my way towards them. The look I am getting from Dana is a look that could kill and my head begins to hurt as I think of her blow. But I saw the look in her eyes when I kissed Fox, obviously her man. And I feel guilty, but I love him, and couldn't help but indulge myself."Fox..." I murmur as I step up to the table.
*I'm sitting in the booth with Scully waiting for Sarah and her partner to arrive. Scully is not very happy to be here, but she didn't want to be rude, and to be honest, I think she wanted another chance to see Sarah, my wife. We sit there uncomfortably since she's still pissed and isn't really speaking to me. I look over towards the door, hoping Sarah will get here soon and save me from this misery, and that's when I see her. She's not with her partner as I would've expected, she's by herself and she quickly spots us and makes her way over to us. I immediately respond to her and gesture with my hand for her to have a seat as I smile at her, my voice low, almost a whisper.* "Sarah..."
Dana is sitting across from him so I'm forced to take the seat beside Fox. I feel guilty and naked and oddly out of place, but I know I should be there, I knew this day would come. I would eventually have to face my marriage to Fox Mulder. Staring across the table and the redhead glaring at me, I divert my eyes away from hers. "Dana... I'm sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. I didn't mean for this to happen. I knew I was going to have to face Mulder, if not for love, for a divorce, but I never expected him to have someone else, especially not someone as wonderful or beautiful as you." Reaching across the table, I lay my hand on top of hers. "I didn't want this to happe and I shouldn't have so impulsively acted on Mulder the way I did." But Dana doesn't want to hear it, the tears are filling her eyes and she looks as if she's about to bust. She pulls her hand out from under mine and stands up. "Mulder, when you figure this thing out, give me a call, but not until then." I close my eyes as I hear her heels click against the hardwood floor. "I'm sorry." I mumble to Mulder, keeping my eeys closed, until he reaches under the table and clasps my hand.
*I watch Scully go, feeling helpless, knowing there is nothing I can do to ease her pain, but this is something I must do. I wait until she is gone before I speak to Sarah again. I know she is feeling terrible about this whole situation, so I reach under the table and squeeze her hand reassuringly.* "It's alright Sarah, it's not your fault. I'm the one she's mad at. I should've told her about you, but now it's too late." *I say with disappointment. Then I try to change the subject.* "So, where's your, uh, partner? Didn't he want to come? It looked like you two were more than just friends to me, I thought he'd want to be here with you."
"He and I are... involved." I meet Fox's eyes and smile. "Kind of like you and Dana, I guess. It took Harm and I ten years to realize that we were in love. Well, we realized it early on, but it took us ten years to get it right. We've been through a lot together. But Fox," I begin, squeezing his hand. "I love both of you... still." Glancing down at our joined hands, I feel my heart being to pitter-patter.
"Wow." *I say when she tells me about her and her partner. Her story sounds remarkable close to mine and Scully's, and I find that strangely amusing. I smile at her as I feel her squeeze my hand, that's when she says it. She's still in love with me, or at least, apart of her *still* loves me. I'm shocked. I don't know what to say. I thought my feelings for her had been buried long ago, long since dead and gone. But at her words, I can't help but feel...something.* "Sarah, I... I don't know what to say. I was so in love with you all those years ago, but now... Now I don't know. Scully and I have a similar story to you and your partner. We've been through hell and back together and it took us a long time to get where we are now. I'm not sure I can just throw that all away..." *But she squeezes my hand and stares into my eyes, and I can't help but feel my heart race.*
When Mulder tells me the story of his search for the truth and the unrelenting fight Dana has fought alongside of him, I feel guilty. Guilty that after he saved me and loved me, I went into the Corps, never to see him again. Reaching up, I run a hand through his hair. "Fox, you have no idea what I'm feeling right now." Gripping the hand that I'm already holding, I lift it and lay it on my chest. "Do you feel that? Do you feel my heart racing?" He nods and meets my eyes. "I know you can't throw it all away, I can't throw away everything I have with Harm either. But Fox, I kept my ring. It lays in the box it came in beside my bed, it has for ten years. When I kissed you, every feeling I ever experienced with you came flooding back. I can't throw away everything I have with Harm, but I can't let you go either." His cologne fills the air around my head and he licks his lips. And I find myself leaning in, capturing his lips for a second time on a night that I should not even be with him, but I kiss him nonetheless. And he doesn't pull away.
*I listen to her as she tells me about everything, about how she still has her ring. I still have mine, I never got rid of it. She tells me that she doesn't want to throw away everything that she has with Harm either, neither of us do, yet somehow we can't seem to let each other go either. There's this instant attraction between us, one that's always been there, and I don't know how much longer I can fight it. I find myself mesmerized by her lips, not being able to look away, and I find myself licking my lips in anticipation. She kisses me and I don't pull away, simply find myself getting lost in her kiss instead, and I can't help but wonder what would've happened between us if we'd never lost each other. Before I realize what I'm doing, my hands go up to cup the sides of her face and I find myself deepening the kiss.*
My arms drop as his kiss overwhelms me, his tongue finding its way into my mouth and then massaging my own. My heart leaps while my head screams no but my body screams for more. Fox and I had made love in the past, numerous times, but I was feeling more at that very moment than I ever had making love to anyone. "Fox..." I whimper against his lips and let my hands fall to his waist, gripping it and pulling myself closer to him. "Come home with me." He tells me. And I find myself grabbing his hand, standing up, and leaving with him.
*I ask her to come with me, not because I'm wanting more, although I'm quickly losing myself in her. I want her to come back to my place so we can talk things through, we need to get everything out in the open, and I don't feel like we can do that here. We need to talk someplace private, and I feel like we can do that my place. But as I feel her hands on me again, I don't know how much longer I can rationalize my actions with myself. All I know is that we need to get back to my place, quick.*
I chide myself for the girlish indulgence that I am consorting in. But when Fox's mouth is on mine and his hands are hot on my body, I can't help myself. He unlocks his apartment door through the hole between my arm and my waist. The car ride and even the elevator ride consisted not of talking, but of mouthwork altogether different. As we stumble into his apartment, it's dark and I can't see where I'm going. But apparently Fox does, because I'm lying on top of him on the couch before I know it. Running my hands down his chest, I grip the ends of his shirt and begin to raise it, running my nails up his chest and nibbling on his chin. But he grabs my hands and turns his head. "Sarah..." He murmurs, but I'm already too far to stop now. Pulling my wrists from his grasp, I reach down and cup him in my hand. He yelps and tangles his hands in my hair, pulling my face down to his and kissing me passionately. As his hands slide down my face, over my neck, and onto my breasts, I sigh indigently and throw my head backwards. His hands somehow find their way up my top and with one hand, he unhooks the front clasp of my bra. As I tumble out, he cups me in his hands, and I let go of the grip I have on him. Rolling my clothed body against his hips, I whimper, and he bucks against me.
*I try to stop himself, but I'm already too far gone to turn back now, and when she pulled her wrists free of my grasp and pulled me into her, I knew I couldn't stop. I needed her, needed this from her so bad. I quickly find my way under her shirt and undo her bra, freeing her to me as I cup her breasts in my hands. I buck wildly against her still clothed body, needing more from her. I reach down and find the hem of her shirt and pull it over her head, taking a moment to admire the beautiful sight before me. He breasts are heaving up and down on her chest as she breaths raggedly, and I can't help but find myself mesmerized by her. She reaches down and rips off my shirt, throwing it aside and pushes me back against the couch. She whimpers as she straddles my hips, and I grind myself against her body, still clothed from the waist down. I pull her mouth down to mine and kiss her deep again, feeling her bare breasts rub up against my now bare chest.*
I am whimpering and sweating and bucking until Fox grabs my waist, comes forward, and pushes me backwards. I land flat on my back at the opposite end of the couch. Grabbing my wrists, he holds them over my head as he unzips my jeans and manages to get them off with one hand, then does the same to his own. His lips are on my face at first, all over, my eyes, chin, lips. But he slowly makes his way down my neck, onto my chest, taking in each nipple one at a time and caring for both equally. Then his tongue makes rings around my bellybutton and I buck against him once more. With his teeth, he pulls my panties down away from my waist, using his hands to pull them down off of my legs and quickly disposes of his boxer briefs. He is as well-endowed as I remember and I quickly remember how he uses his large bestowment. Without a breath, he thrusts into me roughly, locking his lips to mine, still holding my hands over my head with one hand. I whimper and scream and giggle and buck and finally, we settle into an equilibrium, a rhythm all our own. And that's when he leans back, pulling me with him, keeping me tight against his body. He lands on his back at the end of the couch where we started. He bucks a few more times and then together, we reach climax and release. I fall breathless against his sweaty, taut, hot body, and realize that I'm crying. Tears are falling down my cheeks onto his warm body, and his hands tangle in my hair. "Sarah," he whispers against my ear, "I love you." I lift my head and meet his eyes. He kisses my forehead and that's when I smell the alcohol on his breath. I hadn't tasted it, but I smelled it. "Fox, this was all a mistake, wasn't it? You don't mean what you're saying, do you?" He smiled and licks his lips, letting his fingers glide down my spine. "I do Sarah, I only had one drink tonite. I'm in a perfect state of mind. It's true, I love you, I love what you do to me." I sense a but coming on, and I know that I'm right. "But I love Dana too..."
*After Scully had left Mulder at McMurphy's she had headed home and drowned her sorrows away in a nice, hot bubble bath. But then she immediately had to get out, tears coming to her eyes as she remembers all the bubble baths she and Mulder had shared in the past. She didn't think her heart had ever heart this badly and she wanted nothing more than to turn herself away from the rest of the world. The one person, whom she thought would never hurt her, had just hurt her in the most horrible way. She had then collapsed onto her bed in the dark crying her eyes for the love she'd knew she'd never have again. She then rolled over and happen to catch glimpse of a framed photo of she and Mulder and she only cried harder as she reached out and threw it off her nightside table.* 'This is insane' *She thought to herself, she needed closure before she could allow herself to go on and she was not going to sit around and wait for him to come to her, she was going to go to him. She scrambled out of bed and threw on a pair of old jeans and sweater and headed to Mulder's. She knocked softly but when she got no response, she pulled out her key and entered, and just as she walked in and just as she stepped into the living room, she stopped dead in her tracks her heart stopped.* "...I love what you do to me. But, I love Dana too..." *Scully felt tears well in her eyes again as she brought a hand to her mouth.* "Oh my God..." *She then felt her heart break that final time as she saw that woman lying on top of Mulder.*
I knew that voice, the hate, the anger, the hurt. Jumping off the couch, the redheaded petite Dana glared at me. "Oh God! It's not what you think! Or maybe it is... hell, I don't know what it is!" That's when she flew at me, kinda like a flying squirrel really, but Fox got in between us. "Dana, Dana, listen to me." Some time between the time she yelled 'Oh God' and I yelled 'Oh God', he managed to get his pants on. "Listen to me dammit!" She was lunging at me and the only thing that prevented her from succeeding was Fox. "She and I need to figure this out! I don't want to be married to you and have doubts or be thinking about her, that would be loving you in a false sense!" He explained to Dana, who in return, began to cry. "Why do you have doubts Mulder? I've been here through everything! Where has she been, huh? You were married and she just popped out of your life! Why the hell do you have doubts?" He groped her upper arms. "Dana, dammit, hear me out! I want to be with you, but she and I had or have a lot together and I need to figure that out first before I go making promises to you." I attempted to dress myself inconspicuously behind him, but it didn't seem to be working. "You coniving bitch!" The redhead pulled out of Mulder's grasp and lunged at me while I attempted to hook my bra.
*Mulder's words didn't have any weight on me. I just couldn't stand the sight of this woman, who was taking away the most important person in my life.* "You coniving bitch! You come back into Mulder's life and take away the most important person in my life! I hate you for that!" *I lunged at her gripping her by the forearms and shaking her as hard as I could, the tears falling down my face before I finally just collapsed onto the floor and curled up into a ball. I wanted to die, I had nothing else to live for. The only man I ever truly loved was leaving me and it suddenly felt like my whole world was coming crashing down on top of me. What did I do to deserve this?*
Grabbing the rest of my clothes, I hurriedly dressed, much to Fox's disappointment apparently, because he never took his eyes off of me. Grabbing my purse and my jacket, I stepped over, laid a hand on Fox's forearm and kissed his cheek. "Talk to her, explain things, and give me a call later." Handing him my business card, I stepped around him and over the poor hopeless ball in the floor. "Sarah..." Fox called after me. I slowly turned. "You ought to talk to Harm too, he's going to need to know." I nodded and dropped my head. That was a conversation that I'd rather not have. As I shut the door behind me, I saw Fox kneel beside Dana and pull her over into his lap, rocking back and forth with her and kissing her forehead. And every cell in my body urged to be in those arms once more.
*I watched Sarah leave, a little disappointed, but I knew we still had things to take care of before we could continue. I walked over to Scully sat down beside her, pulling her into my lap and rocking her back and forth comfortingly. I kissed her forehead. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, nor what I am going to do. Inside I am so conflicted, my emotions are warring with themselves. I love her so much, but I also still have feelings for Sarah. I can't be with Scully when I know those feelings are still running rampant through me, it isn't fair to her, to either of us. I continue to sit there, just holding her and rocking her back and forth, letting out a deep sigh of my own as she sobs into my bare chest. What the hell am I going to do now?*
*When she finally leaves, I almost wish I could just shrivel up into a ball and disappear. The last thing I want right now is to be left alone in a room with him. I then feel him come to me and kneel by me, taking me into his arms. I have no choice but to comply as I curl helplessly into his embrace, for what will probably be one of the last times. I can't believe I'm losing him. Never in a million years would I have thought anything like this would have happened. After a while, I pull back and look up at him miserably.* "This is over, isn't it? I mean you pretty much showed it by bringing her back to your apartment!" *I spat the words at him as I suddenly realized how close I was to him and suddenly pushed out of his embrace.* "I mean we're not even officially broken up and you already sleep with her! Do you know how much that hurts?!" *I look down at him, tears streaming down my cheeks.* "I never expected this, Mulder...not from you..."
"I'm sorry Scully, that's not why I brought her back here. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, it just...did. And for that I am truly sorry. But Dana, I won't know that what we have together is real unless I explore my relationship for her first. You don't want me to have any doubts about this, about us, do you?" *I looked up at her, realized she would probably never understand why I had to do this, but I had to do it nonetheless.* "I'm sorry Dana, I never meant to hurt you, this was the last thing I ever expected to happen. I know you can't understand, but please, just give me some time to see this through. If you can't wait for me, I'll understand. But I want you to know that I do love you. I love you Dana." *I finished in barely a whisper, knowing that she would hate me now and probably never forgive me, and for that I was truly sorry.*
*Scully closed her eyes and brought her hand up to try and catch the tears that still continued to fall down her cheeks. She looked back up at him, through her tearful gaze as she said mournfully.* "I'm sorry, I don't...I can't make any judgement of all this right now. I'm still way too fragile and my emotions are still raw. I'm going to need...some time. I'm going to ask for a transfer, Mulder. I'm going to go back to Quantico, it would just be far too painful for me to continue working with you. I hope you understand, this." *She moved to him and reached to kiss his cheek.* "Until we meet again, goodbye Fox Mulder."
*It broke my heart to watch her go, and it was tearing me up inside that I did this to her, but it had to be. I understood completely that she needed to get away from me, and I didn't blame her one bit. Time away from one another would do us both some good, no matter how much it hurt, I knew it was the only real solution. I whispered softly.* "I understand Scully. Goodbye." *I said nothing more, just let her kiss my cheek and walk away, watching her walk out my door, and possibly my life, forever.*