McMurphy's Tavern1730 ZULUFox called me before he left the office, wanting to speak with me. I left work, without telling Harm, to go to McMurphy's and meet him. But as I stand in front of the double doors, I can't bring myself to walk in. If I go in and we wind up doing what we did only earlier this morning, things could be over. Not only between Harm and I, but between Dana and him. And I promised her I'd take care of him, but I'm not sure that the best thing for him would be being with me. Yet, I open the door and walk in. Fox is sitting at the bar. He stands as I walk towards him, puts a hand on my waist, and lays a gentle kiss on my forehead. "I'm glad you came." He tells me. I nod and allow him to lead me toward a booth in the back of the bar. I sit down and he scoots in across from me. "I ordered us a few drinks, I hope you don't mind.""I don't drink." I remind him."I ordered Coke, I didn't mean alcohol." I swallow loudly and meet his eyes. Reaching across the table, he clasps my hands in his. "Sarah, there is so much for us to talk about." I nod, trying to keep the tears that are stinging my eyes from falling. "I love you, with all my heart I do, I have since I met you at a bar much like this one sixteen years ago. It killed me when you left, I buried myself into my work, and hid from a lot of things. And I hid a lot of things from Dana, just as I'm sure you did with Harm." I nod and feel a tear slide down my cheek. "But Dana, ah, what is there to say? She's been my rock, my constant, my touchstone. And I can't just leave her. But I can't just walk away from you either.""Fox..." I begin. "You're the only man who can make my heart beat faster and slower at the very same time. But Harm has been my rock, my shelter, my home. He's loved me for ten years and we've fought to make a relationship, but it was never really right. I can't just leave him either, but like you said, I can't just walk away from you.""So what do you want to do?" He asks me."I don't know." Shrugging, I pull my hands away. Standing up, I walk to the other side of the booth and sit down beside him. Running my hands up his chest and over his shoulders, I lick my lips. "But we've got to do something, because my body is screaming to feel your hands on me." When he reaches over and gropes my waist, my breaths go ragged, and we kiss. A sweet, passionate, needy, wanting kiss. But one that is as forbidden as can be.
*I sit there, listening to her words, and I can't believe what I'm hearing. This is not what I came here for, I came here to talk. Yet as she sits so close to me, telling me that she wants me, I find myself mesmerized by her lips. We kiss, and I quickly feel myself being pulled into her, I'm completely losing myself in her and oblivious to everything and everyone else around us. This kiss is quickly getting out of hand, and I know we need to stop, it can't go on or it will lead to exactly what happened last night, and that won't help matters any, but somehow I can't stop myself. For years I longed to be with this woman, searched for her, waited for her to return, hoping that one day she would. But she never did. The little voice in my head is screaming at me not to do this. What about Scully? You love Scully, it tells me. But I hurt her, and I don't know if she'll ever forgive me now. And I know I can't ask her to until I figure this whole thing out with Sarah first, it just wouldn't be fair of me. This thing with Sarah, it's just a means to an end, closure I tell myself. But do I believe it? Could it be more? That's what we need to figure out. I pull back, putting my hand out in front of me to stop her. She pulls back and looks at me, then leans in to try and kiss me again, but I put my finger on her lips to still her actions. My breathing is so harsh and ragged that it's hard to speak, but I attempt it anyway.* "Sarah..." *I pant out.* "We can't... We can't do this. What about Harm and Dana? I love Dana, and I've already hurt her so much, I'm not sure I can do this. We need to figure this out Sarah, and soon, before we lose the two most important people in our lives...if we haven't already. Dana means the world to me, and I can't just throw that away. And I'm sure you feel the same way about Harm. I saw the way he looked at you the other day in the records room. He loves you Sarah, and you love him. I don't know what's going on between us, but we need to figure it out - quick. Do we just need closure? Is that what this is? Or is it that this seems so forbidden, and there's a certain attraction to that? Or is it because we're scared?" *I finally ask as I lower my head, not able to meet her eyes as I admit what I've been afraid of for so long.* "Are we afraid that we've truly found happiness, happiness that we've never known before, that we've waited so long to find that we can't believe it's actually real, that we've actually found it?"
*I look up at her again and this time she is the one to look away, dropping her head with a heavy sigh, her arms still wrapped around my neck, fingers in the back of my hair. I try to guage her reaction and realize that I've hit the nail on the head. I push further.* "That's it, isn't it? We've both been running from true happiness for so long, afraid that we might actually find it, but that neither one of us really deserves it, that we're sabotaging ourselves now that we've found it. We both had screwed up childhoods, spent a lot of time chasing our pasts, or running from them, and neither one of us has ever believed that we truly deserve to be happy. And now, now we've both found it, you with Harm, and me with Dana. And yet somehow we still can't let ourselves believe it, it seems too good to be true, like we're still waiting for the other shoe to drop. We have to let ourselves be happy Sarah, we can't keep doing this to ourselves. We can't keep sabotaging every good thing we've ever had in our lives, ruining our only chance at happiness so we can go back to being miserable again, just because we don't think we deserve any of it. I deserve to be happy, and so do you. That's the truth, I realize that now. What we have between us, it was real at the time, I did love you, but realizing what I know now, I know it could never work between us. We'd only be using each other to keep ourselves in misery, and that's not good for either of us. Listen to me Sarah." *I tilt her chin up so I can look her in the eye, so she can see what I'm saying is true, just how much I mean it.* "You deserve true happiness, you really do. And so do I. I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy too. Go Sarah. Go to Harm. Beg him to forgive you, to take you back, make him understand that this was all a huge mistake, that you were scared. If he loves you like I think he does, he'll understand and forgive you, and you two will go back to being the happy couple that you were before we screwed everything up. I just hope that Dana will be as understanding and forgiving. I'm afraid I may have lost her for good this time, but I know I have to at least try and win her back. Go now, while you still have a chance. And be happy Sarah, always remember that you deserve it, never forget that." *I lean in and place a soft kiss on her lips, then pull back and see the happiness in her eyes, the happiness that is not meant for me, but for Harm. She gets out of the booth and looks at me one last time with a smile on her face.* "Goodbye Fox." *She says softly.* "Goodbye Sarah." *I reply in a tone just as soft. I watch as she turns and practically races out of the bar, off to find Harm no doubt, never looking back as she pushes through the doors of the bar and fades from my sight. I lean back against my seat, leaning my head back against the booth as I close my eyes and sigh. Now there is only one thing left to do - find Scully and beg her to forgive me and take me back. I only hope that I can. I whisper to no one in particular.* "Please forgive me Scully."
Fox is giving me my life story, the exact terms in which I feel about Harm, terms I wasn't sure I even knew myself. But we'd been apart for so very long and I'd loved Fox so very much for what he did for me. And as he explains this and finishes, he kisses me one last time, and I realize that's what it is, a goodbye kiss. I say goodbye, stand up, and all but run out of the bar. I'm ready now, I'm sure, I know. Harm loves me, with all his heart. He fought for me and almost died for me. No man has ever done that for me, ever. I love him with everything in me and although I doubted my love for him, Fox spelled it out for me right there in the bar, in that last kiss. Because when I kissed Fox, all I could see was Harm's eyes in his. And I realized, no one could take Harm's place, for there's a place in my heart, that only Harm holds and will ever hold. So I go to him, praying he'll take me back.