*Dressed in a pair of old jeans and old Academy sweatshirt, Scully blew her nose on the millionth kleenex she had gone through that evening. She was lying in bed, buried by the bulk of her bed covers as she still continued to cry her eyes out. She reached up and wiped at her eyes, her head was just starting to throb at amount she has cried in the past day. She reached over and threw away the now overly used kleenex and grabbed another one and blew her nose again. She didn't think her heart had ever hurt as much as she was hurting right now. The one person she had trusted, not only with her love but with her heart had hurt her. The one person whom she thought could hurt her, had hurt beyond reason. She had left work that day, having just put in her request for transfer and then had come home crying her eyes out as she changed and immediately fell into bed crying for the love she thought she and Mulder had had. Wiping her eyes again, she suddenly wanted some tea to try and help clear her senses. She rolled out bed, knowing how horrible she must look: tear stained cheeks, rumpled clothing and her hair all askew,smeared makeup and her eyes reflecting the pain she felt. She slowly padded into the kitchen and started the burner to boil some water, just as there was a knock at the door. She furrowed her brow, wondering who could be coming over this time of night. She slowly walked to the door and peeked out of the peephole, she felt her throat go dry. Mulder. She closed her eyes in pain. He was the last person she needed to see.*
*I had to see Scully, now, no matter what time it was. I had to get her to understand that this was all a huge mistake, a stupid indescretion on my part, something that would never happen again. I left McMurphy's and headed straight for her apartment, knowing that I'd be the last person she'd want to see right now, but I had to at least try and fix this, or I'd never forgive myself. I couldn't believe I'd been stupid enough to lose her in the first place, to try and sabotage the one true love I've ever known because I didn't think I deserved to be happy.* "Well Mulder, you really screwed this up." *I said under my breath. I just hope Sarah was having better luck with Harm. How could we be so stupid?! We didn't love each other, we were just using each other to escape what we had longed to attain so bad in the first place. I love Scully, just as I know she loves Harm, and they are who we are truly meant to be with, if they'll have us back that is. I approach Scully's door and take a deep breath. It's late, she might be in bed, and that's all the more reason for her to turn me away, but I have to do this, I need to fix this now, to try and put us back together. I raise my hand and know at the door. Nothing. I can hear movement inside so I knock again, but still nothing.* "C'mon Scully, I know you're in there." *I try.* "Please Scully, let me in, I have to talk to you." *I finally her hand on the lock and I brace myself, just in case she tries to hit me, but also because she will probably scream at me to go away. But I still don't care, she's worth every bit of the suffering I'll have to endure, so I stand there and wait.*
*When I see him through the peep hole, my heart breaks. I rest my head on the cool wood of the door and close my eyes, I'm tempted to just turn off the light and head back to bed leaving him there. But, then I hear his voice and tears start to form in my eyes. That voice. That voice that she has heard so many time in his insistence at trying to persuade her of their latest case, that voice that can say her name the only way that makes the hairs on the back of her head stand in anticipation and my God that voice in the most intense moment of passion. No! You musn't think like that, Dana. He hurt you, I don't think I can take this. My hand moves to the lock to open it, but then I hesitate taking a deep breath. I'll let him in, see what he wants and then send him right back home. My heart can't take much more than that. I slowly undo the lock and pull open the door, to face him. I know I must look a fright.* "Mulder..."
*She opens the door just a crack, but it's enough for me to see her, and I know that she's been crying her eyes out, and I feel horribly guilty for that because I know it is all my fault. I take a deep breath before I speak, trying not to let the image of her crying and broken get to me, it breaks my heart that I'm the one that did this to her. Me! After everything I know she's been through, after everything she's been through with me. Fox Mulder you are a horse's ass, I tell myself. I keep my voice low, so as not to wake up her neighbors.* "Scully, please let me in, I really need to talk to you." *She looks hesitant, and I don't blame her one bit, so I try begging instead, using my best pleading voice to get her to listen to me. My eyes instantly soften as my voice takes on that tone.* "Please Scully. Please." *I bite my lower lip and wait for her to respond.*
*I try not to break down into tears when I see him standing there at my door. I can't meet his eyes as I look down at my feet. He begs me to let him come inside and I just don't know. I'm still hurting so bad and letting him in will just cause all those wounds to just hurt even more. Still, I don't want him to cause a scene in my hallway, so I shut my eyes taking a calming breath as I pull the door open the full way, allowing him entry into my apartment. I watch as he almost cautiously walks in and I cross my arms under my chest and look back at him, my voice is thick with emotion as I ask,* "What are you doing here, Mulder? I thought we agreed not to see each other until you got this *fixed* with that...woman." *I look up at him the tears shining helplessy in my gaze.*
*I enter her apartment when she opens the door wider, but a little reluctantly. She looks like she really doesn't want me to come in, so I almost don't, wanting to respect her wishes, but this *needs* to be done. I'm trying hard to resist the urge to reach out and take her into my arms, I just want to hold her and comfort her so bad, but I know that's the last thing she wants from me right. And worse yet, she'd probably kick my ass out if I tried, so I don't. I unconsciously play with the bottom of my jacket, my hands needed to do something, but I don't know what. When I get like this it's usually at the office, the sudden need to fidget with something, anything, and that's when I usually throw pencils in the ceiling. Of course, I also do that when I'm bored too, and Scully always teases me for it. I resist the urge to make a joke asking if she has any pencils I can throw. I would only be trying to lighten the sitaution, but she would never take me serious then, and she would throw me out for sure. I look up at her, seeing the tears in her eyes as I start to answer her question. I keep my voice low and even, trying not to let my emotions overwhelm me.* "I needed to talk to you, that's why I'm here." *She starts to look away, but I reach out and lift her chin to look at me with a finger, holding her chin between my thumb and forefinger.* "Please Scully, hear me out. I did fix things with her, I wouldn't be here otherwise. Listen, I know I'm the last person you want to see right now, but please, you have to let me explain." *She looks at me like she doesn't really want to hear it, afraid of what I'm going to say, so I press on. It's now or never Mulder, I tell myself, just say it before she throws your sorry ass out, before it's too late.* "I love you Dana. I love *you*. This whole thing has been one huge mistake, and I'm so sorry. I don't love her. It's you I truly love." *I just want to take her in my arms and kiss her so bad, never let her go again, but I know I can't. I'll truly lose her then. I brace myself for her reaction, knowing she's going to go off my me about how much I hurt her, how much she hates me, but I don't care. What we have is worth it all, she's worth it, I'm worth it. I know that now.*
*I watch him as he steps in the apartment, looking rather nervous. He starts to play with his jacket and I close my eyes, the tension in the room almost way too much to bare. He tells me he's here because he needed to talk to me and I can't help but looking away, my heart breaking. He's going to choose her, he's going to just leave me hanging out to dry and run back to that marine wife of his. Well I'm stronger than that, damn it. And I'm just about ready to tell him off when his next words stop me short. He loves me? How dare him. After what he did with that woman? I turn to him, my eyes abaze as I cry to him through my tears.* "How dare you. How dare you stand there, before me and say that to me! You don't love me or you wouldn't have slept with her *while* you are I were still together and I don't care if she was your wife. How do you think that made me feel?! To walk in and see the two of you on your couch?! My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest and stomped on over and over. Never would I have thought, in my wildest dreams that you, my *best friend* would cheat on me!" *I suddenly turn away from him, my small body wracked with sobs, not being able to face him.*
*As I stand there, I feel my heart shatter as she hurls accusations at me, all of them true. I know what I did was wrong, so terribly wrong, and I don't know how to fix it. A simple apology is not enough, it never could be, but still I try anyway. I walk over and grab her arm, turning her to face me, trying to keep my emotions from bubbling to the surface. I don't want her to see me cry, I'm so sorry for what I did, and I need to tell her that.* "I'm so sorry Dana, I never meant to hurt you. And I know that you must hate me now. Yet, I still love you, with all my heart, and that is why I'm asking you now to forgive me, to give me another chance. What I did was wrong, and I know it was wrong, but it happened nonetheless, and I can't take it back now, no matter how much I wish I could. Yes, she was my wife, but that still doesn't make it right. Don't you see?!" *I start to raise my voice in frustration, but I'm frustrated with myself, not her, never her.* "I love you so much that my own sick, twisted mind wouldn't even let me be happy! I ruined it Dana, I ruined us!" *I scream out in frustration as the tears start to sting my eyes. I fall to my knees in front of her, wrapping my arms around her waist and resting my head against her abdonmen I beg her as I start to sob.* "Please, please forgive me Scully. You have to forgive me. Please. I need you." *I continued to hold her to me as I sob into her shirt, my hands now resting on her hips, I can't even bring myself to look at her for what I've done.*
*I watched as he drops to his knees before me and he wraps his arms around my waist, his head pressed into my abdomen. I close my eyes, the tears still flowing down my face as I go ramrod straight. He's so close I can smell the musky scent of his colonge. I keep my hands straight at my sides as I tip my head back and stare at the ceiling. I'm torn, way past the point of common sense of trying to analyze this situation any longer. I'm about to pull him away, tell him that it's still too soon, I need time, when I feel his tears soaking through the thin material of my shirt as his desperate pleads with her to forgive him and how much he needs her. I needed you too Mulder, but you broke that trust. I close my eyes and take a deep breath as my hands ever so slowly come up and rest on the top of his head. I allow myself to stroke at his hair, slowly my heart pounding in my chest.* "Mulder, you have to understand..." *I break off sniffling back more tears and clear my throat.* "You have to understand what you have done. Just saying sorry and pleading with me to forgive you isn't enough..." *I look down at the top of his head, and slowly push him back away from him.*
*She pushes me away, and I know she really must hate me now. I'm begging her and she still hates me, and I know I've screwed up royally, possibly beyond repair, but I still have to make her understand.* "I know Scully, I know..." *I say so soft that it's almost a whisper. I try to push down the tears, get myself to stop crying so I can speak clearly.* "I know it's not enough. It will never be enough. And I know I've broken your trust in me, and for that I am *truly* sorry. Even after everything we've been through together, that's one foundation I've never been able to shake...until now. You'll never know how sorry I am. But please, I'm asking you now to give me another chance, give me a chance to restore your faith in me. I'm not asking you to forgive me right now, I'll give you all the time in the world for that, but I am asking you to give me another chance. Please Scully, I never meant to throw this all away, you mean so much more to me than that." *I look up at her with pleading eyes as I'm speaking.* "We can never go back to the way things were before, I know that now, but we can try and move past them, make them even better. Please Scully, I know we can make this work, you have to let me try." *I stand up now and take her hands in mine.* "If you say you need time, then I'll give you time. If you need space, then I'll give you that too. Just please, don't shut me out of your life. I know I pushed you away, and I'm so very sorry for that, and I know that I'm being a hypocrite when I say this, but I'm asking you not to do the same thing. Please Scully, let me make this up to you. Or at least, let me spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you." *I brush my thumbs across her fingers, looking at her beautiful, waiting and hoping that she'll say the words I desperately need to hear, that she still wants me even after all of this.*
*I close my eyes my heart still painfully thumping in my chest as he holds my hands and pleads with me to give him, *us* another chance. If he only knew how badly I was hurting, how bad this hurt on the inside. I just hurt so terribly bad. I didn't pull my hands away from his as I listen to his pleadings and I'm instantly his with the reality that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to push him out of my life, he's made to great of impact. Before I know it, I'm suddenly making the decison that I want to try, I want to try and make things right again. I slowly open my eyes and look at him, I know I must still be a horrible sight, I find myself saying in the merest of a whisper.* "Okay..." *It's spoken so softly, I'm not even sure if he's heard me as I look up to meet his face, awaiting his response.*
*I stand there, just waiting for her to respond and it seems like an eternity before she finally speaks again. I watch her face and try and gauge her reaction, a myriad of emotions cross her face, and I can't tell whether she's willing to try or if she's just going to throw me out without so much as another glance. I've never been so scared in my entire life. I realize how bad I screwed things up, and the realization that I could lose her forever because of it scares the hell out of me. She finally looks up at me again, and I think I hear the faintest whisper come out of her mouth. It sounds like she said 'okay' but I'm sure I was imagining it. I want to grab her and kiss her, tell her how thankful I am, that I'll never let her go again, but it would probably be too much for her to handle right now, and I'm not even sure I actually heard her say it. I look at her and ask what I thought she just said.* "Okay...?"
*I close my eyes and run my tongue along my lower lip before looking back at him, nodding very slowly.* "Okay, yes...I'd like to give this a chance again..." *I look up and meet his eyes and I grip his hands tighter and somehow find stregnth in my voice as I speak slowly.* "But, it's going to take soem time, Mulder, I'm willing to try again, I really am..." *I look back up at him and offer him the very smallest of a smile, trying to show that I'm wiling.*
*I feel the flood gates break open as the relief washes over me. That's all I needed to hear. The smile spreads across my face before I even realize it.* "Yes? Oh God, Scully." *I take her in my arms and hug her, trying not to cry again.* "You can have all the time you need. But just know this, I'm going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I promise you that." *I grab her and hug her again, not being able to help myself, I'm just so damn relieved.*
*He clutches me to him and suddenly I am sobbing as I cling to him. I hold him close and bury my face in his shirt and sob in his arms. I've missed this so damn much and just being in his arms again is making me feel so good about all this and wanting to try and make things right with him again. After a while, I pull back and look up at his and softly say.* "I..I was just fixing to have some tea, if you would like to stay, I could really use the company..." *I speak almost hesitantly as I look up at him.*
*I tilt her chin up to look at me again as I reply softly.* "I'd like that, very much." *I lean in and give her the softest kiss, just letting my lips brush up against hers before I pull away, not wanting to push her too fast too soon. I take her hand in mine and lead her over to the kitchen, reluctantly letting go when she moves to fix the tea. I take a seat at the table, resting my elbows on the table I rest my head in my hands. I take a deep breath and just let the feeling of relief flow comfortingly through me. I know now that everything will be okay, that *we* will be okay.*